Updated: Feb 20
Here at Bodylushious HQ and behind the scenes in my personal life the focus for February is on that old devil called L O V E. In this post I will share with you some of my ponderings regarding love and how it sits in my life.
Love and the 'in-between' moments
I sat with this focus for a good few weeks, and I've come up with ALOT. Then this morning before I sat to blog I came across a share from my NZ based Nutritionist pal Storm Sommerville, where she talks about the meaning of in-between moments from the perspective of a busy juggling mum trying to stay on top of everything. And for me being a girl who can jump from one thing to the next and juggle multiple projects at one time (and I'm in no way saying I'm always proud or effective at this) there is a real comfort in that sense of seeking out those in-between moments.
I realised on reflection of what love is to me, that there's been a sense of numbness going on. This feeling of trying to keep on top of all the bits and pieces of life, and in the process feeling like something so precious has been slipping through my fingertips. Things like writing letters to my niece, phoning my aunt, listening from start to finish to a song, paying attention to the person I've become and reflecting on the journey to this point, noticing how amazing it is that my son can now feed, dress and read to himself (it doesn't seem that long ago I had no option but to do all those things for him).
But there ARE those in-between moments in this busy life today, they really do happen
Like during lockdown Poppit aged 6 was protesting about practising reading, to which I vulnerably said 'I know it feels difficult and frustrating and you don't see the point of doing this, I get it. But I wish my mum and dad had read with me, because maybe I'd like it more today' (I'm not complaining, they were busy with 4 kids and times were different!) and Poppit responded with 'mum are you happy with your life'? Then he happily engaged in reading. In that moment I was so engulfed in love, we'd gone from what felt like a battle, to me going within to search out the answer to why it feels so important to me. I acknowledged his frustration, spoke my truth then left the rest up to him. His response and decision to keep reading was so beautiful that I was caught in an in-between moment. NB: Poppit was concerned that by not reading with my parents as a child that it had affected my level of happiness today. PRECIOUS!
Or when at Olympian speed I take the washing off the clothes line and dash inside to fold it before it creases and before the pot of dinner boils over - I lift a t-shirt out and catch a whiff of freshness that wafts off it and I find myself in an in-between moment.
Or the time last week when we drove to Edinburgh and Return to Innocence by Enigma came on the radio and Michael (European) told me how powerful the song was for him growing up, despite having no idea of the lyrics, an invitation for me to properly listen to it, I cried as I found myself in another an in-between moment - it is POWERFUL. Again, tune in and really listed from start to finish, feel the power.
Or when I scroll back over the blogs I've written, in many ways a collection of the stuff that rattles around in my head and I've often wondered if they'll ever be shared outside of my mind. I sit here now and feel held in an in-between moment of DOING THE ACTUAL WORK of tapping into that 'thing' that matters and getting it down irrespective of who will or won't read it.
So lets get back to love
There's the 'in your face/obvious' stuff, like 'I love my son, my family, my partner, my life.....', but actually for a girl like me who likes to get into the nitty gritty of things behind the 'Why I love them' and find the 'real' meaning, I knew that I needed to go deeper....and deeper....to a place of still where I hardly ever hang out. To venture there to find the 'real' answers to what the frig love means to me.
'Affirmation by Savage Garden' although released in 1999 and a bit on the cheesy side, lit a fire in the pit of my gut when I first heard it way back when I ventured into the world as an almost adult. I loved the play on words then, and having recently crossed my path again that heart space inside of me has been reignited. Such a simple collection of words, but in this oftentimes frenetic and overwhelming world I find myself in, the song offers me a sense of anchoring in a place where something so pure and so simple sits. Have a listen, go on treat yourself to listening till the end.
What else does love mean to me?
Love is that sense of being completely and utterly at home and at peace within myself no matter what's happening outside of me and in the world (which feels more important than ever before right now). I'm a people pleaser at heart with raging co-dependant tendencies'. Being at peace with myself will form part of my life's work, but I'm up for it. Showing up as my most authentic self and fully trusting in me no matter what life sends my way. Living without judgement and being fully accepting and respectful of others views and lifestyles. Not living for the sake of what others want to see or hear. Nurturing friendships that light me the frig up, and course correcting when there's a mismatch. Doing good, being good and living in alignment with values that matter to me by being deliberate and true. That's quite a long winded way of saying 'find peace with being me'.
"Being at peace with myself will form part of my life's work, but I'm up for it".
I love a list, so let me share one now of things this month that have resulted in LOVE oozing from the depths of my myocardium
I recently phoned my aunty in Australia who has been ill in hospital for months, its a difficult thing being so far away from loved ones, especially when they're unwell and alone. But last week I found a way to lift our conversation so much that I cried tears of meaning for truly connecting with her in that way we always have. Distance, circumstances, environment and time can get in the way of that stuff so it was such a treat for that surge of our love to be sparked again. I then went on to make her up a care package full of treats I know she'll enjoy. I even hand made her some pom poms, strung them together and dripped essential oils over them for her to hang in her hospital room to hopefully brighten/lighten up a moment or two.
I love MAKING, be it food in the kitchen, crafting alone or with Poppit, or skincare treats in studio Bodylushious. I used to craft so much more back in 'the olden days', but life happened and I've been redirected in different directions. Its one of the very reasons why the man in my life Michael has transformed the summer house in the back of our garden to a crafting/making studio. In his words 'leave all the serious stuff outside and just create'.
Connection, its an obsession. I need to feel connected to what I'm doing and the people I'm with. I wrote a post that covers some of this here. Relationships with people needs to feel meaningful otherwise it pushes all my authenticity buttons. I'm also having to learn to be more boundaried with my time and energy so this can be a juggle.
Being triggered...by our barking dog, my whining son, people eating noisily near me, having to deal with a difficult person. If you know me well you know I love to find the medicine in the madness, so if I'm triggered/pxssed off by something I set about on a mission to try and turn that around so it doesn't hold the same energy, I ask this question 'how is this perfect', put to me by my delightful Relationship Expert pal Sarah Madigan. Obviously there's more to this but you get my drift.
Poppit sleeping, I'm obsessed! I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THIS GEAR. It's the most pure sense of Love and Bliss that I can think of. Even when I used to be a breastfeeding mum I couldn't take my eyes off my Poppit. I could have read so many books if he wasn't so damn good to stare at.
Last week I phoned a dear Kiwi friend living in Australia, (we call each other 'sista'). We LAUGHED SO HARD I cried. I casually made Pom Poms, she lay in her bed relaxed, we recounted some old memories, we came up with PractiKiwi ways of doing things and we got carried away planning a dinner date the following evening. If only!
Kiwi practicality! I grew up in the worlds MOST PRACTICAL family, we're dotted between NZ, Australia and Scotland. We're all knee deep in living our own lives and one of the things I really love about 'us' is the down to earth-ed-ness of our Tutty clan. We've been trained by the best, my dad! The pic of a random limb coming out of a car while the boot is held up - my dads, fixing something in the boot while mum stops the boot from falling on his head...because that also needs fixed! BRILLIANT!
Michael, the man in my life who lives and breathes his love through creativity. Our paths crossed only two short years ago, but they've been a HEART FILLED two. In fact I tried to get him to be this months guest blogger or some scrounge some content off him for this post. His response 'no, I don't feel the need to share my thoughts and feelings with the world', and when probed on his thoughts of Valentines Day his one-liner is brilliant 'I'm not the guy that will bring you flowers, I will make and build you things'. As is the case with this masterpiece he whipped up for my recent birthday in response to a messy bundle of earing's piled in a heap on my dresser.
Excuse me for a bit while I interrupt myself
It feels like a good time to mention that I'm not sitting here telling a story about how perfect my life is, far from it. This very month I've been to all those gritty places, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, uncertainty of my place in this world, I've got a pile of life admin that keeps growing, I struggle to remember all the things I've said I'll do and by when and when discussing Artificial Intelligence with Poppit and the possibility of Robots running the world in the future he responds 'I want one to do the cooking so you can play with me more' and so on and so on. Shits real and shits happening all the time around me.
......back to the list
Being witness to my son and the evolving and defining of his personality and self awareness. Aged 6 he has
recently taken an interest in his self image and particularly his hair. He tells me he wants to be the president so that he can make good decisions in the world and program the Robots in the future with the right kind of information. Or after a spell of day dreaming asking me if Aira (our dog) misses her mummy, her real dog mummy. Or that he can't stop feeling sad for her because she's only 5 and she must be growing so much like he is. [She's also a lab collie, so she'll never tire of food]. And in the lead up to returning to school which he'd rather not do, he asked me 'mum, can you help me to get my big feelings out before going back to school'. Again, precious!
I LOVE TUNING INTO SENSATION!
I I love tuning into sensation. Be it the joy of dancing, the waft of essential oils or smell of a burning fire, the briskness of the morning on my face, the sound of the early morning birdsong, the fresh air fuelled washing, the sight of my sleeping babe, the feeling of ice-cream in my mouth, the feeling of a tight hug as I kiss the cheek of someone I love and sniff them in! I love water, and the sensation of it on my body as I step in and lower down into it...be it the freezing Scottish sea or a comforting warm bath.
And with that, here goes my invitation to myself to indulge in a bit of celebratory self care and have a bath for getting this blog finished!
It seems to be the year of the 'Challenge', and so I now want to invite you to catch yourself in those 'frenetic/juggling' times and sniff around for an in-between moment and get anchored the FRIG down in it!
I LOVE YOU for your commitment to todays Bodylushious Blog read. Next weeks guest blogger on the topic of 'Love' is the inspirational Chris from Unorthodox Roasters .
P.S. I'd LOVE so much for you to comment on this post if you feel called, its such a strange thing sending my deep and meaningfuls' out into the world wondering if anyone ever reads it.
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