I've been stewing over this post for months now. It's the one where I share how my heart hurt and I wondered how I would make meaning out of something so sweet that had come to an end. I'm Sharey Mc Sharey, I tell it all and i'm committed to speaking the truth; and yet sometimes that takes time and i've not been ready to share this bad boy until now.
Michael and I separated in August. After a whirlwind 2.5yrs together Michael decided he needed to up and away and that he was living in the wrong life, my life. He felt disconnected from the things he loved so much (his son, creativity, time in nature, and his own space and company). We'd had the best summer together and talked of how we couldn't believe our luck that here we were so happy. We'd all had space, time with our own kids and on our own, I'd been away to visit a friend in Ireland and talked of having a 'commitment ceremony', Michael was living with his own version of bliss through finding a new purpose with an animal sanctuary https://www.themaggiefleminganimalhospice.org.uk/ and we wrapped up the summer of 2022 with a short holiday away together. Michael said to me the night the kids went to their other parents 'this is too good, it can't be this good'. Michaels about balance, he would say that something this good will always be meet with the opposite extreme. He was right, that night while at a friends singing and playing instruments, a phone call came which signified the start of the end. I won't go into the details of that, but what I can say is that I see that now as the catalyst for change that was actually needed - for all.
We carried on with our busy lives. I trusted that the bubbling emotions and sense of distance between us would remedy itself over time. I thought this was one of those times. And so for one month there was an unease in the air as we busied ourselves in our lives and stayed on top of the essentials (and I tried desperately not to let my active mind get away on me), I knew Michael would speak when he was ready.
He came back from work on a Thursday and said he'd like to talk, by the following Thursday he had moved out.
I WAS DEVASTATED
I thought i'd found my forever partner. I felt love like i've never felt before. I thanked my lucky stars daily that I should meet and be in partnership with someone who totally rocked my world. I felt a deep attraction I never believed in, a fire had been lit in my belly. I felt that we could deal with whatever life threw our way no matter what. I felt vulnerable enough to ask for his help AND let him help me. My son Poppit adored him. He was all the things i'd manifested (yup i'm massively into this), I literally wrote a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a partner, another of what I needed to let go of to let love in and a final one about what kind of partner I would be - I nailed it! I felt excited about life. I felt supported. I felt like we were so right for each other. I felt greatful that we had created a 'family' for our boys + a dog. I felt like anything was possible!
I WAS FURIOUS
I couldn't believe he had just up and left, just like that. What about the big house we'd just moved into, how would I manage everything? What about the land i'd bought that we had dreams for where we could all create lasting memories, connect with those we love and maybe even leave a legacy? The big 4WD we shared that was no use to me. What about how i'd manifested him and 'let him into' the depths of my heart? How dare he just up and leave with no loving words about how he would miss me, or a mention of what I/us had meant to him. How dare he not consider my feelings and emotions. When he asked me to give a character reference for his new flat I told him to look elsewhere (slightly different words). I wanted answers. He wasn't prepared to give them. I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him, the dog and to stay out of my life that I needed all reminders of him out of my life forever.
He told me he understood me better now, that I had always wanted things out of him and now my true colours were showing. He told me I was the same as all my friends (as in we all talked, dressed, looked and did the same). He told me I wasn't deep and just overthought. He told me he didn't really care that I was sad or hurt and that it was my responsibility to manage the way I think and feel. He told me I should be happy because one day I would thank him. I felt anything but happy let me tell you.
I HATED HIM SOME MORE & THEN SOMETHING HAD TO CHANGE.
I'm a girl who works hard at seeing the best in folk, looking for the opportunities in the challenges. I couldn't deny that this experience was one of those! And I resisted it so much initially because well this person who had my heart seemily bulldozed over it and just seemed to swan off into his new life unaffected. At that time I wasn't sure I had the tools or the strength to know how to get my heart to catch up with the real world. And yet I knew something needed to shift.
In that moment I managed to stop thinking about myself and cast my attention to Poppit and his love of the dog Aira. Presto! That's where i'd start. So despite my hurt and broken heart (and probably a good dose of ego) I was mature enough to come to grips with the fact that it wouldn't be the greatest move to cut Poppits contact with her (along with Michael and his son Ollie). And so I took a bite of humble pie and instigated the dog sharing - because the reality is, this wasn't just about my needs being met. GULP.
It was at the same time i'd relented and supported Poppit to start playing Minecraft which was at the same time as Airas birthday. So I inhaled another slice of humble pie, baked a dog birthday cake and took it around to Michaels new place, along with poppit and the computer - celebrated the dog and set the scene for Ollie to teach Poppit some of the Minecraft ropes while I sat there clinging to any conversation that directed my attention towards Poppit or the Dog. It worked. I had a focus, it felt natural. Then somehow Michael and I were sitting on the couch next to each other drinking tea and we started talking about some 'life events' happening for each of us, for me it was the new classes I was starting at https://centreforpositivechange.co.uk/ including a flipping DISCO class! That changed my energy entirely. I vowed to myself beforehand to stay well clear of any 'emotional/personal/feeling' chat. It was different and only slightly awkward, but we did it. Poppit came home from that visit so invigorated with some new Minecraft lessons that he had to strip off because he was sweating from all the excitement and was dancing around like silly in the living room! This was a sure sign that I had done the right thing! Nice one mum :) I'd also been finding comfort and support through my friends and through dancing.
I needed a boost, to do something i'd never done before, the emotion I was carrying felt bigger than what I could handle in my then life. I got curious about trauma and how it was showing up in the way I was responding to life. I got in touch with Tara of https://firetreealchemy.com and explored the idea of plant medicine. One week later I visited Tara in Ireland and had an experience that would support me with the changes I was looking for. Message me if you would like more information.
Fast forward to December 31st 2021, 4 months after our break up
Tomorrow is Michaels birthday. And i'm using this space to show him the gift of true love, acceptance and friendship. (I wrote the bulk of this post then).
For the lessons
Don't expect another person to make you happy
The day after you broke up with me you brought me a cinnamon bun from Sunrise Bakery at the then Bodylushious studio on Burntisland High St. The delightful Carol Blue door happened to be visiting. I made a joke of how you had dumped me. You (slightly awkward) in Carol's company, told me how I would one day thank you - I thought that was the biggest joke of all. You were right, you taught me the ultimate lesson in codependence, which is something i've worked on a lot through the work i've done with my mate Dr Sarah Madigan.
Find the fire/spark within
With 0 help from Michael but with the help of a new friend/acquaintance who interestingly popped up on the scene at the perfect time (thanks universe!) Bodylushious relocated to the summer house in the garden at my home. Michael had made himself very useful as the heavy lifter, the 'make shit happen-er', the turbo force, the motivator. I had totally come to rely on him. Here was an opportunity to make shit happen myself. Had I even been holding onto Bodylushious because of Michael? Possibly? I'll never know. And yet, I knew I needed to change it up, move to the summer house to simplify things (thanks Kerry for the brilliant suggestion) and in that somehow I became clear that I needed to let Bodylushious go. I needed to create space for more of what I love, for starting a new chapter. Instead of pining over letting Bodylushious go I surrendered full trust that the perfect someone would take over and give it the love and attention it deserves.
For the magic & fun
You are MAGIC & FUN & COOL & AWESOME & STYLISH & CREATIVE & SPECIAL & GENUINE & REAL & AMAZING. I'm so glad you came into our lives and that you showed us the ropes to being a little more magic, fun, cool, awesome, stylish, creative, special, genuine, real and amazing. I know none of this will change and how awesome is that!
For the memories
You came along at a time when i'd put my heart on the shelf full of cynicism at how it was too much effort and hard work to invest in a relationship. I convinced myself that my track record to date proved this. I had been focussing on all the things that had gone wrong in my relationships and all the 'negative' aspects of the relationships around me. You came along and shook that up on day one.
For finding joy in the 'simplest' of things.
Like watching the washing machine spin with the boys on our first night in our new home together
Like getting properly involved in conversations with my loved one whom you'd never met on video/phone calls.
Like drawing a pirate ship for my aunty in hospital in Australia with multiple rooms and a portal for her to teleport to us
For pushing kids around big patch of grass in a wheelbarrow
For cups of tea in your campervan
For appreciating the smell of the smoke from the house with the wood burner behind us
For ALWAYS noticing faces and images in EVERYTHING
For making cosy spaces
For your love & acceptance
For listening to all my stories
For encouraging me and holding the camera while I danced on the beach, or taught Nia outdoors, or clowned around in the kitchen doing my thing as the 'PractiKiwi' and always supporting me to unleash my 'Bronwyn-ness' onto the world
For loving me
For welcoming us into your home to live with you during a pandemic!
For creating new memories with me and my friends.
Your friendship with poppit
Making time and space to have a really lovely friendship with him.
Teaching him how to make and do things
Crazy dancing together
Supporting him with the process of attending drama classes and performing in front of an audience
For modelling mastery
Let's not beat around the bush, you are a
flipping PROFESSIONAL when it comes to putting your hand at making something. I'm so damn proud of you for using the push of the pandemic to take a chance on yourself and become self employed, you are incredibly skilled
and it's brilliant that you're out there doing what you love. I've watched you work and see the faces of your clients - you are weaving magic wherever you go. I'm so so greatful that you shared so much of that mastery with me, Bodylushious, my friends, the land and am excited to see what happens from here.
For modelling how to be true to yourself
So this is the part where you get to say you were right! You told me that i'd thank you one day and here it is, thankyou! You also told me that we would have a really good friendship, without all the relationship/day-to-day dramas and that I would be find someone who would be even better for me.
It's not always easy doing the things that need to be done, and sometimes we don't even know why we're doing what we're doing. But at the end of the day all we really have is the here and now and if something about that isn't right then something needs to change.
There's so much more I could say but that's what becomes of the broken hearted.